ok... hi... i guess i'm back in the loo... currently am gaining more strength and courage to accept... and so i remember my prayer... "Lord... please give me the strength to change things i can change, courage to accept thing i can't... and wisdom to know the difference of the two..." haiii... ok... he's out of my life... that's the truth... i mean, no more contact... asa ka naman na itext ako nun... chat? ala na siyang dahilan para magchat!... so basically... ala... ala... and i miss him terribly... but this, i guess are how things are supposed to go... he loves her, she loves him... and ako? ala... he could manage without me... why nid an ate when you could have a sis... and ayon sa kania... mahal nia xa... dahil naparamdam nia na espesyal xa... and etc... etc...--are you foolowin me so far??-- anyway... so isip ko... naparamdam nia? ok... and everything i did before... was nothing! d ko naparamdam! pero mahal ko xa... d ko naparamdam... then again... ala na kong magagwa... ala talaga eh... ate... ate... ate...
haiii... imagine yourself being a kid... in a huge toy store... you look around... and andami mong gustong bilhin... you can't make up your mind... tapos... sabi pa ng papa mo... isa lang... so hanap ka naman... napatingala ka... and there on the top shelf is the toy you want... it wasn't something so elegant... not something many kids want... and yet you want it... you're just so mystefied by it, for whatever reason you don't know... you try to reach it... and duh... you're a small kid... you can't possibly reach it... nakatitig ka lang... you kept jumping and jumping... your legs strarted to tire, you were calling for the toy... as if it'll come down to you... and since it was a big shop... the workers can't even hear your small plea... you were about to give up... but no... you shook the shelf with all the strength your young arms could give... to your surprise it moved a bit... you thought come on... a little more... you shook it more... it came nearer the edge... a little more... come on... please... then your father came... saying... hoi, pag nahulog yan masisira lang... let go... your dad tugged you off... you turned away with tears... then you see another little girl she was currently playing with her own toy... so you thought, maybe when i go back that toy will still be there, this girl won't bother buying it... she has her own toy anyway... but to your surprise, she looked up at the toy you tried to and she looked at it with sparkling eyes... she wanted it too... she dropped the toy she was currently holding... she pushed the shelf a bit... and she caught the toy safely in her arms... she cuddled the toy... and all you could do was question the situation from a distance... smile at the lucky girl... and remind yourself to next time just reach for the lower shelves...
for so long i tried to push the shelf, and it did not fall to me... maybe the toy wasn't really made for me... and now i'm crying... i should've known all along... but no! i pursued a dream, a fantasy that i knew all along to myself was impossible... those months was but a daze to me... a lie i lived, i chose what i wanted to believe! bobo noh?!
anyway... it seems so long ago... so long ago that a stranger talked to me, so long ago that he asked for my help saying he needed me... now that stranger is gone, off with another... i can't blame him... sino nga ba ko? yet... another irony of my life... i miss him... so much... though i should not... i want not to see him... but my eyes seek him... i want not to talk to him, yet in a way i seek his comfort...
san na nga ba xa? hmmmm... isip ko... kahit makausap ko xa ngeon... di na xa ung taong dati'y hinahanap ko... i chatted with him a couple of times after he told me about her... and ano? we kept on trying to avoid the topic, pretend it did not happen... act as if i never fell for him... smile as if i don't feel the pain... ok pretentious... i know... but do i have a choice? it would make him feel worse if i'd show him how hard it was for me! we talk through chat once or twice, yes but it was not him... i met a stranger, i talked to a stranger, i fell in love with a stranger and now i'm still dreaming of that stranger... ok... ok... sige... sabihin na nating di xa nagbago... na di ako nagbago... pero nagbago kami... gets nio? basta un! ahehehehe... and it pains me to realize that i'll never have that person back... iniisip ko ngeon kung sino nga ba ung nakausap ko... sino nga ba ung hinahanap ko... labo noh?
si s**-- hmmm... xa ba? xa ung nakikita ko sa skul nun... pero xa ba un?... si __a***n? xa ung una kong nakausap... then again... nakausap ko na rin xa after mangyari ng lahat, and parang di nga xa... si k*y*? xa ung dating advicer ko... kapuyatan ko... kausap ko sa chat... naging katext ko saglt... naghihi ako madalas dun ngeon... kunwari ok lang... ilang parin xa parang si s*... xa nga ba un? si s****m*n..? aysus! d nga ako nasagip nun eh!... sino??? asan na??? may namimiss ako... may hinahanap ako... pero di ko na un mahahanap...
so isip ko... i better stop looking... right? leave him... let him be... he doesn't need me... he's happy... hmmm... pano nga ba hahanapin ang mga bagay na ayaw magpahanap... haiii... mablablangko na rin ako... someday... pakasaya tau pipol!! ngiti lang palagi... di na nila kelangang malamn na mabigat pa rin ang yong kalooban... k?
-----sana hindi nia toh mabasa-----
sori... ala na kong mapagsabihan eh...
well... last night was memorable... january 29... about 46 minutes past twelve o`clock... i decided to give myself some shut eyes... well... i deserved one badly... my eyes were all red totally tired and in pain... sorry eyes... ahehehehe... i mean it's my fault that my eyes are in pain... anyway... i didn't get much of a good sleep... from that short span of hours that i tried to sleep... --that's i guess 12:46-8:50... well not that sure... but the range is near those numbers... ahehehe-- i woke up four times... i think it was past one... the first time i woke up... then... a little past three... then six somethin, somethin... then only minutes after that .... `twas seven somethin i guess... i'd wake up... still lyin in bed... i'd look at my cell which is beside my pillow... twice i woke up and saw that i had recieved a message... one from my sis... and one from kuya jonnel... then i'd look up at the cieling... think that i just wish that it was him who texted and not anyone else... then i'll look at the stuff at my table beside my bed... for as short while i'll listen to the song my radio is playing... since i don't turn my radio off though i'm asleep... i forgot some of the songs... but one i remember was when i woke up at six... they played the song wag na sana by Parokya ni Edgar... then i remembered him telling me that he sang that song once to tease someone then not so long after that person he teased asked for the lyrics of the song reasoning that it was because he could relate to the lyrics of the said song.... then i'd look around... see his gift... remember him more... remember what he said on the phone... think about the girl... then all of a sudden as if a picture in a cieling... i'll see him with her... then i'll cover myself with the sheets... toss and turn... and tell myself to stop... then again my tears would fall... i'll tell myself to stop... knowing that this won't do me any good... then a lot of stuffs would go through my mind... which would make me cry more... then i'll cry myself to sleep... xet~ this is definitely not good... that happened thrice... but there was one time... that i thought about a way to just make him smile again... i want him to be who he used to be... the one who kept telling me to enjoy life... to always wear a smile... the one who told me that someday... everything would be better... the one who was happy talking to me... in the chatroom... --well, i hope he was happy... cause i sure was-- the one i miss... kuya... i didn't want to trouble him anymore... i want him to be happy... but he also wanted me to be happy... and he'll only be happy if he knows that i'm ok... xet~ that won't be possible... not right now... i'm still living a nightmare i can't wake up to... but i'd have to do something... the next time that he asks me if i'm ok... i'll say yes... it'll pain me to lie to him... because i care for him soo much... i'll try to think of my own story to tell, so that he won't be bothered by me anymore... i don't want to lie to him... but i'd rather see him happy... xet~... i've never been like this before... i'm still young for crying out loud! how did i put myself in this stupid situation... how could i let my guard down and fall seriously... xet~... now i want to ask a stupid question... do you need me because you love me as your ate? or do you love me as your ate because you need me... ? it's totally different really... once he told me he loved me... then he took it back... it was november if i remember it right... that was the time i fell... or was it earlier... i had a hard time admitting it to myself... because i know that it'll all end in tears... but no... i was stupid enough to continue... he kept telling me that something was bothering him... that he doesn't know exactly how he feels... i was stupid enough to think that maybe... just maybe... he'd eventually tip to the side of also loving me... stupid.. stupid... stupid... i was such an idiot to think that... is hould've known he'll never feel the same way... why... cause i'm just me... piMi_... `chant... ate... a mere teacher... stupid though... i never taught him how to fall for me... tssk... but he on the other hand, in a twisted way taught me... how to fall for him...
xet~ love comes unexpectedly... he had a crush on her... way back... just a crush... he told me... nothin more... then just with a snap he realized he likes her more than that... when for a long time... i've been here... waiting... hoping... then again i can't blame him... and i want to ask him... why her?... but that would be too... rude... i was in no position to question the way he feels... he's not mine... he was never mine... and he'll never be mine... one more question... do you fear losing me...? if so... why? if not... then ok... xet~... but the thing is... i'm still here... i'm his ate... and i'm supposed to help him... aren't i? i love him and i'm supposed to be happy for him, right? to say i love him more than she does would be unfair to her... but that's how i feel... to say i've suffered more than she did would trully be unjust... but that's the truth... then again his love is not based on that... he loves her... period... next sentence from an idiot... but i still love him.... end of entry...
before last night... the last time I remember crying was on New Year's Day... yup, January 1, 2005... it was past four o`clock in the morning then... alam ko... isipin nio.... sinong tanga ang iiyak ng bagong taon... ??? It definitely was not a good way to start the year... I didn't know that it was going to turn out like that... All I was thinking about was... gusto ko siyang makausap... regardless kung ano mararamdaman ko after... nung time na un kasi... I just had a lot of problems... so I thought... ok lang... ilang seconds man lang sumaya ako... ok na un... sino ba naman hindi sasaya kapag nakausap nila ung gusto nilang makausap diba...? anyway... i was glad we talked... you told me about how flustered you were, not sure about how you feel... afraid that what happened to you and the other girl would happen again... ayaw mong maguluhan ako... kaya sinabihan mo kong lumayo na lang... i felt a tear fall... pero sige lang... i listened to everything you had to say... talked to you... as I tried to hold my tears back so that my voice won't sound as muffled as a crying girl's voice would... i joked around about the Christmas gift you gave me... and you said na dapat ate mo pa rin ako... i agreed na oo gusto ko pa ring maging ate mo... but i said that if i don't put some space between us... everything will still be as twisted as they are... so the obvious choice was to back away from you...
After our talk... our communication lessened... that's when i realized... xet~ ala talaga xang paki! I mean... if you care for a person and you really want to talk to them won't you try any means possible? sabihin nating walang chat... madalang magtext... kea nga may landline diba? or sana nag-gain man lang ng courage to talk to that person face-to-face... but no, wala kang ginawa... it was obvious... the answer was staring at me eye-to-eye... standing in front of me... laughing at my face... teasing me on how stupid I was to actually think that you cared... the way i hoped you would... the way i wished you would... but no!!! ang boba talaga... tuloy pa... nakikigamit pa ng cell ng may cell para magamit ung isang sim at matext xa... stupid! and you think by doing that he'll actually care more?!?!?! he remained blank... then by that time... again i felt my eyes hurt... i knew i was about to cry... then i told myself... no! sino ba xa...? of all the people, bakit xa pa iiyakan ko?... i told myself that i should not cry for you... the feeling was still there... though i know it shouldn't be... i reminded myself na from the start... all i wanted to do... was to help you... kea mo nga ako ate diba? tutulungan kitang sumaya... adviser kapag may problema... taga-gabay... tagaturo ng direksyon... teacher... ate... once sinabi ko na yun ehh... sabi ko... oo nga naman... ako lang naman si piMi_... dakilang ate... sabi mo... un nga lang ba?
kagabi nasagot mo na ung sarili mong tanong... andun ka sa main... natuwa ako... kasi sabi mo ala ka nang dahilan para magchat... pero... nung gabi bago kagabi... sabi mo ang dahilan mo kea nandun ka ay para makausap ako... It felt like the way I've felt for the past 4 months... magfa5 na... everytime I see your nick... kaiba... pero I had to remind myself about the hundreds of different ways I felt after talking to you.... minsan masaya... malungkot... masakit... magulo... nakakakilig... nakakaasar... but still... kahit labo-labo... I felt like i wanted to talk to you the following day ... maybe partially it was because i thought you anticipated talking to me too... pero i was wrong...
ang dami mo pang sinasabi.. paikot-ikot... magulo... masakit... na minsan masaya... kasi feel ko namimisinterpret ko lahat ng sinasabi mo... akala ko... akala ko... xet... kung pedeng mamatay sa akala... daig ko pa pusa... kapos ang nine lives sakin! un pala... simple lang... ang simple ng paraan ng pagtatapos ng magulong kwento... mala Lovers in Paris... na ang ganda sana pero ang duhh ng ending... "mahal na mahal kita bilang ate ko..." "wala na kong hahanaping ibang ate..." =)... ate... ok... ate... =)... ano pa nga ba ako diba? sinabi ko na un nun... isa lamang akong dakilang ate... sabi mo... un lang ba? ikaw din sumagot ng tanong mo... oo un lang... xet~ di ko na napigilan luha ko nun... un lang... nawalan na ng lakas! iyak na... pero salamat... medyo natauhan ako dun! =)... naghanap ka ng taong sasagot sa mga tanong mo... sinubukan ko... pero hindi ko nagawa lahat un... di ko naibigay lahat ng sagot na hanap mo... ngeon naaasar ako sa sarili ko... kung bakit ko pinasok tong gulong toh... isang PM... tila biro ng tadhana... one night... 9`6`4... nakilala kita... bakit? para maturuan ka? yan sabi mo dati diba? ako din natuto... natuto akong mahalin ka... now i have to learn a new lesson... =)... paturo namang kalimutan ka oh... =)
--habang nakatulala sa maamo mong mukha... nag iisip ako, at nagtatanong.. maaari nga bang totoo ka? anghel ka nga bang talaga? sana nga'y nagsadya ka d2, upang turuan ako... at ipadama muli sakin! kung pano ko maibbgay ito... ng siguradong sigurado... ng buong buo... ng totoong totoo... ng walang kasamang takot at pag aalinlangan... pero marahil ay nananaginip ln ako! sapagkat kaya mo bang, kunin ang puso ko at ipadama d2 kung paano magmahal muli ng totoo... --
<<-- para sa imaginary na girl? sayang totoo kasi ako eh... ano nga bang laban ko sa perpektong babaeng ninanais mong mapasayo? =)... tanong lang... imaginary nga ba? o meron na? lawak talaga ng imahinasyon mo... kayang-kaya mong lumipad... superhero ka nga... pero hindi mo ko sinagip... maybe you were just too busy saving the day... tapos ginulo kita... now you're putting things back to where they belong... just like what a superhero is supposed to do...
haba na nito... pero... naalala ko lang ung doodle ko kay mam erpelo... may gusto daw akong guy... pero wala... paikot-ikot lang... advice nia sakin... wag na raw akong makontento sa panandalian lang na saya... maxado ko na yatang nababawan kaligayahan ko... =)... sabi nia nga involved ka raw with someone eh... totoo po ba un? ewan... malalaman ko rin un... tatawag ka ngeong gabi diba? bahala na... un muna...
isip ko lang... di din naman niya toh mababasa eh... kasi sabi nia sakin dati... di naman daw nia pinupuntahan blog ko... sa bagay... bat nga ba nia babasahin? kakornihan... kalokohan... ang haba-haba... sayang sa oras! diba? kea ikaw... bat mo pa toh binasa? may napala ka ba? kung hindi keo ung taong tinutukoy ko kanina pa... wala din... wala din keong napala... sinayang nio lang oras nio sa kadramahan ng isang walang kwentang tao... pero kung ikaw ung tinutukoy ko kanina pa... may napala ka ba? ala din naman diba? tssk... sayang lang talaga sa oras...
nga pala pipol... pakasaya keo ha... =)... ngiti palagi... para hindi na halatang problemado ka... kyut ka pa... oh diba?
nagpaopen line na ko... di ko alam kung bakit...
pero ito lang ang head line ng araw ko... except for the fact na kinausap ako ni ate ano... nakatabi ko kras ko kanina... anlapit nia na... so near yet so far na ung taong nais kong makausap... at kapag naopen line na ko yahoo!! makakausap ko na nga... ala namang matinong nangyare... aehehehe
nagpaopen line na ko... di ko alam kung bakit...
pero ito lang ang head line ng araw ko... except for the fact na kinausap ako ni ate ano... nakatabi ko kras ko kanina... anlapit nia na... so near yet so far na ung taong nais kong makausap... at kapag naopen line na ko yahoo!! makakausap ko na nga... ala namang matinong nangyare... aehehehe
umiiyak ka nanaman langya talaga wala kabang ibang alam namumugtong mga mata kailan pa ba kaya ikaw magsasawa
sa problema na iyong pinapasan hatid seo ng ** mong hindi mo maintindihan
may kwento kang pandrama nanaman parang pang TV na walang katapusan hanggang kailan ka bang ganyan hindi mo ba alam na walang pupuntahan
ang pagtiyaga mo dyan sa ** mong tanga na wala nang ginawa kundi ang paluhain ka
chorus: sa libo-libong pagkakataon na tayo'y nagkasama iilang ulit pa lang kitang nakitang masaya naiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka niya siguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang iyong tunay na halaga
hindi na dapat pagusapan pa napapagod na rin ako sa aking kakasalita hindi ka rin naman nakikinig kahit sobrang pagod na ang aking bibig
sa mga payo kong di mo pinapansin akala mo'y nakikinig di rin naman tatanggapin
ayaw ko nang isipin pa di ko alam bat di mo makayanan na iwanan siya ang dami dami naman diyang iba wag kang mangangambang baka wala ka nang obang makita
na lalake/babae na magmamahal sayo at hinding hindi niya sasayangin ang pag-ibig mo
(repeat chorus)
minsan hindi ko mantindihan parang ang buhay natin ay napagtritripan medyo malabo yata ang mundo binabasura ng iba ang syang pinapangarap ko
(repaet chorus)
*note: try nio... lahat ng may ** ilagay nio name nung special someone nio... try to see kung makakaride keo sa kanta... *note: malamang kung masaya buhay pag-ibig mo... can't relate ka... or kung mahal ka din nung mahal mo... can't relate ka nga!
kakatuwa lang... share ko...
pagnagmahal ka ng isang tao... you commit yourself to that person... you like to help them in every possible way that you can... and as much as possible you want to be by their side... to keep them safe... to make sure no harm comes near them... malamang... mahal mo ehh!!...
you commit yourself... --commitment... dedicating your life or yourself to someone or something...
but with commitment comes restrictions... and that's what people fear... they hate the thought of cornering themselves... having no options... sticking to what they HAVE to do... but isn't that a risk worth taking?... for love? love that so seldom comes our way... people fear pain... and making other people feel pain... but in order to feel the joy you seek... you have to put one foot forward... take the road... start the journey... though you see that the road you'll take will bring but again a barge of uncertainties... the chances would still be 50:50... it's either you get what you want... or have nothing at all... or if you're lucky... you could actually get more than you bargained for... or lose more... but if you stand still and let fear cover your eyes... and you let anxiety and tension stop your heart... xet~ then there will only be a 100% assurance... huwaw!! assurance... no uncertainty... assurance that you'll get nothing at all! congrats! comitting yourself would be hard... but to enjoy life more you'd also have to feel pain!
when you fall in love... your partner will be your guide... that person will be commited to you as you should be to him/her... that person will give you boundaries but then again they'll help you find your direction and will help you reach high goals... parang ganito un... --a river bank looks useless, right? but without it... will there be any river? the river bank gives the river direction... the river bank makes the river stay where they are... it gives the river it's boundary... for if not... then there'll be no river at all... the water will only spill and be of no use.."
you could choose not to commit yourself... to run away... to be free... but then what use will your life be?? for a short time... it would be fun... then you'll feel that tinggling feeling... that your lacking something... i'm not just talking about commitment to another person as in a relationship... it could be to God, to your parents, your studies... or for your dog for all i care... pero ang kulang talaga... kung wala...
bat ako nagupdate? definitely hindi dahil sa may matino nang nangyayari sa buhay ko... un pramis... ala talaga! hmmmm... ahehehehe... asa pa ko... series of unfortunate events nga ang kwento ko ehh... hanggang ngeon... ala... kamalasan... kalungkutan... isipin mo... may mahal ka di ka mahal... ung nagmamahal seo... di mo maintindihan kung bakit parang di mo magibyang pansin... pero... pero... alam mo na ang dapat mong gawin... dapat lumayo ka na... aun... lovelife pa lang un... hmmmm... kwentong academics... aun... bagsakan! ang dating di binagsak... binagsak ko na rin... ang dating binagsak... bingasak ko lalo!! waaaaah! wala na kong kwenta... hmmm... matino ko na lang na nagagawa ay ang pagkanta-kanta ko sa himig... himig... pamilya kO!! woohoo!! labshu all... aun... pero the problem is... naku... baka pagnalaman ng magulang ko na ganito na ang nangyayari sa grades ko... paalam himig na! haiii... kakatuwa nga sinabi sakin nila kuya marlo... unalis man ako sa himig... dyan parin sila para sakin... di sila lalayo... lumayo man ako... lalapit pa sila lalo!! kea ko labs yang ga yan ehh!! saya ko pagkasama ko sila!! --xet~ iiyak talaga ako kapag grumaduate yang mga yan!! waaaaaaaaah!!-- tapos... ung pambayad ko sa prom... nawala pa... kea kelangan ko pang mag-ipon ng 1,000!!! yoko sabihin kay mama na nawala... kakahiya... nakakahiya na kay mama... konsumisyon na lang lagi dala ko... yoko na maging problema nila... ---kea ala akong pera ngeon--- haiii... papaopen line sana ako ehh... pero bahala na kung kelan na un pwede... haiii... seee... naman... kakaibang buhay toh! ahehehe... ansaya noh... pero anyway... salamat sa mga taong nagpapasaya sakin... sila kai... kuya marlo... kuya edpat... kuya bryan... etc... at pati si kapatid at si sis ko!! tsaka ung si kuya ko... kahit di na tau nakakapagusap at nakakamiss ka na... ahehehe... basta aun! salamat sa inyo... ahehehehe... sa mga taong nasaktan at nasasaktan ko... patawad... alam ko nararamdaman mo... maniwala ka... ako man kasi nasasaktan ehhh... kung pwede lang na di ganito... kea lang... haiii... buhay ehhh... sa mga taong nakasakit sakin o nakakasakit sakin... bago pa man keo manghingi ng tawad... napatawad ko na keo... ---nice... BANAL!... joke!--- hindi... ala po sakin un... --actually... masakit talaga ehh!! ahehehe... joke po!--- pero buhaiii ehh!... aheehehhehe... kakatakot naman... ano kea mangyayari sakin bukas... --xet~~~--- grounded? bawal chat? paalam himig? waaaaaah!! buhay... buhay ko! ahehehe... aun... un ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagupdate... kasi baka matagal na kong di magupdate... haiii... bahala na!! ahhehehehehe... pakasaya sa buhay...
so... ano? ganito na ba talaga... di ba toh sinasadya? o lumalayo na nga? hirap naman!! ahheheheh... pero ok lang yan... kung anong masmakakabuti seo... at sakin na rin siguro... ewan... ano ba toh... pakasaya na nga lang muna... ahehehe...
wrote this after nung phone conversation... iniimagine ko lang kung ano ung feeling kung di ko na nga ituloy... ahehehehe... pero baka ganun na nga...
I've been living in an afternoon so bleak It was the heat of day but it's a different warmth i seek The dusk is nearing, the day's close to an end I hate the heat, I fear the silence, no more reason to pretend
But there's no stopping it now, The sun's going down The once yellow sky now turning red All the colors are silently fading As I it does as darkness falls
The breeze is no longer comforting The chills make me seek a certain warmth For as the stars shine up above me I felt a tear to my cheek fall
I lie in bed hoping and praying That the dawn would bring a morning bright I fear sleep for I know your absence Would bring me dreams all black and white
Your words were as silent as the stars My mind as blustered as it could be I feel nothing as calm as the wind I make my understanding as wide as the sea
I close my eyes, the rooster crows My morning still dull and grey Again I feel my day was not complete It's been this way since you went away
tagal ko nang di naguupdate... dami na nangyare...
I can only take so much
And this is just too much for me to take
I know you did not tell me to hold on
Not directly...
But you kept on saying things that made me believe
That there was a reason to hold on
I continued blindly... in the darkness following your voice
But to continue this is suicide
Cause your not catching me as I fall
I tried to be strong, I tried to stand firm
But too late, my grip softened
I fell in return
I hit the ground, so hard and so cold
I should've known from the start
That seeking you is seeking fool's gold
I’ve let go of my pride...
But my fall was still hard
I tried to have a deeper understanding
But this did not make my landing softer
I'm not a dog who'll pick scraps from the table
And I'm not to live these short moments of happiness
And live this lie forever
You've made me weak
You've made me think less
You've made me know nothing else but this and now
Then again was it you who made me
Or was it my fault for I allowed
I went by the flow of things
`Till the river’s rage engulfed me
Now below the murk and the soil
I lie in uncertainty
This is too deep
It's too late
I have to stop myself before I lose all consciousness
I have to open my eyes and think once more
Before I totally lose control
I've acted stupid
I might be dumb
But even a fool in my state could tell
If this just keeps going around
I might end up seeing blurs... and never again stand my ground
It might be hard I know
But I'll forget I ever fell...
The wounds would be deep
The marks would remain
But in time I hope to find someone who'll help tend the pain
And if ever again I hear my name and it's your voice
I'll think first and know I have a choice
I took the risk once... shall I take it again
You're not much of a risk taker are you?
And that made me lose the game
My head pounding... this is bleak
My heart says it's you I seek
I'll make my heart shut up
Hoping that'll ease the pain
But in my mind I know the pain will remain
An advice unclear... your feelings... you fear
You say you care... I believe you...
They say love should not wait for anything in return
That I know... but my pride is getting in the way
Your fears in front of you... my pride pushing me away
I have much to redeem...
I've always been happy with you
And I could continue this... that is true
There were only two options in front of me
I tried to continue... nothing happened...
Let's try the other option... let's see what happens...
I'm now much of a risk taker... again I'll take another risk
Damn... who am I kidding...? I better stop this right now...
